1131 thoughts

Amish girls have no way of knowing if it's a romantic candlelit dinner or just a regular dinner
u/Ihavequestions28  ·  2018   ·  88,381 pts
Reddit ↗
Inside every 85 year old man is an 18 year old saying what the fuck just happened.
u/[deleted]  ·  2019   ·  88,339 pts
Reddit ↗
Babysitters are teenagers who behave like grown-ups so that grown-ups can go out and behave like teenagers.
u/C0untdown  ·  2019   ·  88,295 pts
Reddit ↗
In the 90s, we were taught to use plastic instead of paper to save the rainforest from deforestation. Now we're taught to use paper instead of plastic to save the ocean from pollution.
u/magicarnival  ·  2019   ·  88,283 pts
Reddit ↗
If holy water kills vampires, then putting holy water in a humidifier is making holy gas. You just made a gas chamber for vampires.
u/TurtleZ1235  ·  2019   ·  88,239 pts
Reddit ↗
If, one day, we cure aging and all diseases, we will all die horrible deaths.
u/appleijunkie  ·  2020   ·  88,222 pts
Reddit ↗
Quitting cable news is like quitting smoking. After a year without you see how disgusting it really is.
u/Richynunu  ·  2017   ·  87,966 pts
Reddit ↗
The man who invented Internet is 80 years old now. If you see him walk down the street, you’ll think he’s just another old dude who doesn’t know how to use Internet.
u/avetisyan818  ·  2019   ·  87,926 pts
Reddit ↗
Growing up is realizing you get more joy out of seeing others open presents than you do from opening your own
u/zbadknee  ·  2019   ·  87,894 pts
Reddit ↗
When filling up on gas, men are probably more likely to shake the gas nozzle before putting it back than women are.
u/[deleted]  ·  2020   ·  87,731 pts
Reddit ↗
Given that tickling yourself does not work the same as someone else tickling you, we really lucked out with masturbation.
u/Dickulous01  ·  2018   ·  87,679 pts
Reddit ↗
Being an adult is like one of those choose your own adventure stories but every option sounds terrible and costs way too much
u/Nebula-X1  ·  2019   ·  87,645 pts
Reddit ↗
If the Earth is flat, maybe the dinosaurs live on the other side and we keep digging up their dead and buried.
u/Mattycaker  ·  2019   ·  87,558 pts
Reddit ↗
Elsa is pretty athletic for a person that was locked up in her room since she was young until she turned 21
u/dontovercommit  ·  2020   ·  87,525 pts
Reddit ↗
All languages travel at the speed of sound, sign language travels at the speed of light.
u/Autofarer  ·  2019   ·  87,203 pts
Reddit ↗
Quidditch at Hogwarts is pay to win, due to the enormous difference in broom quality and the wealth gap between students
u/Aukrust  ·  2019   ·  87,171 pts
Reddit ↗
You could throw a rock into a lake and be the last person to ever touch that rock until the end of time
u/Bendy_McBendyThumb  ·  2019   ·  87,114 pts
Reddit ↗
Being middle class is when spending $100 is expensive but earning $100 isn't a lot of money.
u/JaredLiwet  ·  2019   ·  87,085 pts
Reddit ↗
Airline passengers would probably pay more for priority deboarding than priority boarding
u/Me_want_gold  ·  2019   ·  86,849 pts
Reddit ↗
One of the worst feelings is the feeling of your sleeves sliding down you wrists as you wash your hands
u/Mrpeperdude3  ·  2017   ·  86,574 pts
Reddit ↗
Deciding to become a parent is like choosing to take care of a a drunk person for 13 years straight, and a hungover person for the next 5. Then paying for their rehab for the next 4.
u/xXxwiskersxXx  ·  2018   ·  86,508 pts
Reddit ↗
Everyone talks about how traveling back in time and doing something small, like killing a butterfly, can drastically change the present, but no one talks about how doing something small today, like planting a tree, can drastically change the future.
u/[deleted]  ·  2019   ·  86,447 pts
Reddit ↗
Humans must be a very confusing species to wild animals. One minute a human might be trying to kill them and the next minute another human is trying to help them. We are the least consistent predators on the planet.
u/[deleted]  ·  2019   ·  86,387 pts
Reddit ↗
If Google continue to keep Google Earth updated then in a few hundreds years people will actually be able to virtually walk around in history!!
u/dannyblag  ·  2019   ·  86,341 pts
Reddit ↗
If you don’t smoke pot because you’re afraid it’ll make you paranoid, you’re experiencing the side effect without even smoking.
u/Burgerstand  ·  2020   ·  86,266 pts
Reddit ↗
Spicy wings are the absolute pinnacle of human evolution. You are eating the wings a bird uses to fly away from predators covered in the chemical that spicy plants use as a defense mechanism.
u/mrmeep321  ·  2019   ·  86,197 pts
Reddit ↗
Being lonely is believing you've received a message when it's just your battery at 15%
u/TheHooligan95  ·  2018   ·  85,952 pts
Reddit ↗
The first time someone steals a spaceship and flies away is going to be epic.
u/IIIIRadsIIII  ·  2017   ·  85,936 pts
Reddit ↗
The first dent, scratch, or crack to an item is always devastating, but after that, the heavy burden of keeping that device in pristine condition is lifted and feels so much better.
u/[deleted]  ·  2020   ·  85,892 pts
Reddit ↗
Referring to your employees as "family" is the corporate equivalent to telling a prostitute you love her.
u/ColfaxDayWalker  ·  2017   ·  85,520 pts
Reddit ↗
Reddit is killing third-party applications (and itself). Read more in the comments.
u/Showerthoughts_Mod  ·  2023   ·  85,517 pts
Reddit ↗
Tom and Jerry are best friends. But Tom has to pretend to hate Jerry in order to protect (Jerry) so Tom’s owner doesn’t replace (Tom) with a cat that actually wants to kill Jerry.
u/SomeDudeSteakSauce  ·  2019   ·  85,408 pts
Reddit ↗
We feel safest at home despite being surrounded by ~240 volt wires, endless water resting at 80-120 PSI and explosive methane gas, all in pipes and wires which were installed who knows when, by a person who may or may not have ignored safety standards they felt were unnecessary at the time.
u/[deleted]  ·  2019   ·  85,076 pts
Reddit ↗
We all joked that Hollywood wasn’t giving Leonardo Di Caprio an Oscar so he would keep making great movies, and he hasn’t been in one since he won his Oscar.
u/Chainsaw_Ninja  ·  2018   ·  85,072 pts
Reddit ↗
If Centaurs were real, the bottom half would start walking around immediately after being born, while the top half would be all floppy for the first two years.
u/Odin343  ·  2019   ·  84,953 pts
Reddit ↗
The most futuristic thing in the Star Wars universe is probably that planets are always seen as one unity and not hundreds of countries.
u/11ma3  ·  2020   ·  84,877 pts
Reddit ↗
Due to coin flips, George Washington still makes decisions to this day.
u/Amicus_Vir  ·  2019   ·  84,812 pts
Reddit ↗
The part of The Ugly Duckling no one ever mentions is that, after a lifetime of bullying, the duckling grows into a swan, the undisputed biggest asshole of the bird kingdom.
u/clearlystyle  ·  2021   ·  84,789 pts
Reddit ↗
Technically, your alarm tone is your theme song as it starts every episode
u/leftmostpuddle  ·  2020   ·  84,699 pts
Reddit ↗
Worst part of being a kid was not having adults take you seriously when you knew what you were talking about
u/ErichPryde  ·  2020   ·  84,629 pts
Reddit ↗
Due to it almost only being populated by researchers, Antartica is technicaly the continent with the highest average IQ and education.
u/[deleted]  ·  2018   ·  84,445 pts
Reddit ↗
Someone just decided blue ink pens were equally as acceptable as black and everyone just played along.
u/ChaseRahl  ·  2020   ·  84,429 pts
Reddit ↗
If you’re no longer covered by your parent’s health insurance, your manufacturer’s warranty is over.
u/migrvne  ·  2018   ·  84,301 pts
Reddit ↗
Kids shows led us to believe the Mayor of your city was way more important and much more common to see around town than they are.
u/icewaternolemon  ·  2019   ·  84,243 pts
Reddit ↗
if society collapsed, amazon warehouses will be fought over fiercely for being giant real-life lootboxes
u/PassablyIgnorant  ·  2019   ·  84,063 pts
Reddit ↗
Since The Matrix was released in 1999, cellphones have been replacing landlines and payphones, the only way that we were shown how to get out.
u/Hairyballzak  ·  2020   ·  83,863 pts
Reddit ↗
People will swim in the ocean, even though there are definitely many corpses in it. People will not swim in a pool with a corpse in it. Humans all have a corpse:water ratio that is acceptable for them to swim in.
u/JollyTraveler  ·  2021   ·  83,858 pts
Reddit ↗
Ads before videos has sucked a lot of the fun out of Rick Rolling.
u/toomeynd  ·  2020   ·  83,840 pts
Reddit ↗
Being part of a major historical event sucks.
u/Pieassassin24  ·  2020   ·  83,727 pts
Reddit ↗
If your grandparents or parents tell the same stories over and over again, it’s not because they’re losing their memory, it’s because they like remembering them.
u/Higgs-Bosun  ·  2020   ·  83,358 pts
Reddit ↗